we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
