I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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