Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
