i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
