Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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