Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm passing your future prison.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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