i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
