the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
