My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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