Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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