you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
