textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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