Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
