Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So much rum. So many feels.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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