Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
