omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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