im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
