Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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