tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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