you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
