You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
