he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
