I need help removing her.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize