I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
