I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
