you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
