Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize