Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
