i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
