As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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