This is not my ceiling
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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