I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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