my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Enjoy the penises
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
