I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
