I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
