Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
