Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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