shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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