Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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