Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
