fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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