I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If I die, sorry about rent.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
