Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize