It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
