Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
