I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
