My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
