John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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