he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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