allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
