worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
my poor anus
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
