he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
