My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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