Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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