a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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