I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
