Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
