Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
