Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
