the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
