based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
