I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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