I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Less talking, more tequila
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
