I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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