he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize