Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
