White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
