im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
