what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
