I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
