YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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