I can't watch pbs sober anymore
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The struggles of a small town man whore
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
