I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
