I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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