I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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