I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
did i just pee glitter
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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